Worthlesness has no place ..

This week we lost a life...of a senior who did not know that their life held value to God.

A senior in our community took their own life, leaving behind a note that read of their loneliness in this world, no one ever came to see him . My heart felt as though it had been filled to the brim with heavy stones that just kept piling and piling on top of one another.

Another story of how lonliness has led to a lost life.

And I can't help but wonder, as a community how...how did we allow this to happen to yet another person?  How did we allow someone to feel forgotten, alone, abandoned, meaningless, or worthless.
As a community we failed this man, as healthcare providers we failed this man, as a human being to another human being we failed this man, this family failed this man.

As a world we continue to allow our own selfish desires to come before the needs of another human who is just longing to be loved. Instead of being part of the community that gave us life we find ourselves dreaming of houses and vacations on PINTEREST that we will never experience, all the while someone is in a nightmare of loneliness and feeling worthless.

My bones were floating in the guilt of the hours of my life that had been consumed with pinterest, facebook, net searching, or TV watching when this story came ringing through my ears I felt like i was drowning. How many peoples feelings have I sacrificed for things that hold no worth, not in this life, or in the next?

To anyone reading this, feeling alone and worthless... know this; YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS.YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD, A SON, A DAUGHTER.
You are so precious in the eyes of God, when you ache he aches, when you mourn, he mourns. He knows when you rise and when you fall because he cares for you, he knows your heart. He loves you, yes you, more than anyone else ever could. He laid his life down so that you could experinence eternal JOY and find peace just knowing that he loves you.

 

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayedm for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you: I will uphold you with my riteous right hand."

isaih 41:10

 

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

pslam 147:3

 

But jesus was pierced for our transgressions; he was crusged for our iniquitied; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."

isiah 53:5

This is my plea, don't let someone pass you by without showing kindness to them. Not a stranger on the bus, not a gas attendant, not your server, not your waitress, not your mother, not your sister, not your classmate, not your teacher. NO ONE! Give up a night out on the town to; read to a senior, take them cookies, watch your favorite tv show with them, better yet, watch THEIR favourite TV show with them, write them letters , take your children to do crafts with them . Build a relationship with a stranger; you just never know how your sacrifice can save a life.

"Why are you downcast..why so disturbed? Put your hope in God..."

Psalm 42:5

"God is our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble"

Psalm 46:1

"But those whose hope is in the LORD will renew their strength."

Isaiah 40:31

 

"I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU OR FORSAKE YOU MY CHILD."

Deuteronomy 31:8

 

Be a part of your community

Anger

i believe that honesty allows you to live clearly, truly, and makes for some strong lessons learned and taught. Honesty isn't an easy way to live life. It allows people, all kinds of people, to see through your fleshy skin and into your inner thoughts, emotions, feelings and opinions. along with all of that, honesty allows people to see your imperfections, which we all have but unfortunatley we as Christians sometimes act as though we are free from imperfection (which in fact we are not and never will be until we see Jesus face to face) .

The biggest imperfection I face is in Webster's Dictionary Definition;

 

an·ger

noun /ˈaNGgər/  angers, plural A strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility Anger. The very word makes my eyes squint and my mouth sag at the sight of it. My heart starts to beat in an uneasy rythm and my stomach twists at the thought of becoming angry. And despite all of those negaitve reactions to the idea of anger it still manages to be my first reaction to alot of circumstances through out my days. My husband does things that make me displeased. My children do things that cause me annoyance. And complete strangers do things that make me quite hostile.  Why? ................. I just don't know. My heart feels bound by a thousand tightly braided ropes that weigh anchors on the ends. I feel as though my blood is streaming through my veins like uncontainable waves. My soul starts to feel faint, a kind of sorrow that makes me feel something...defeat. anger. it is a little word, with big consequences when acted out in annoyance, hostility, rage. I hate getting angry. i hate being angry. i hate the consequences of acting angry. and yet...anger still lerks and unleashes at every opportunity. "whoever is slow to anger has great understadning, but he who has a hasty temper exallts folly." Proverbs 14:29 "be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down while you are still angry." Ephesians 4:26 "a hot tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention." Proverbs 15:18 "Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.." James 1:19 "The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love." Psalm 103:8 Now that I am conscious of my anger I need to confront it. No more making excuses of being tired, long days, hard work, cranky kids, or a husband who doesn't always hear me or understand what i'm saying. I get angry because i choose to get angry.  At the end of the day my children are beautiful, imperfect children, whom i love with all my heart. I must choose to not get angry at them and choose to be patient with them.  At the end of the day my husband is selfless, kind, helpful and more loving to me then i am deserving of or give him credit for. I must choose to not get angry at him for not hearing me or understanding me but must choose to rejoice and be glad knowing that God created him different than me and created him for me as my husband.  Am i free of anger forever because i have come to the  realization that the way i react is wrong? OF COURSE NOT. It is up to me to make the conscious choice to react in a way that brings growth to me and others..... Daily To react not in anger but to respond in joy... no matter the circumstance. Thankfully God is more patient with me then i deserve.. So honestly....whats your imperfection..cause no imperfection is too great for God to tackle "Therefor as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness,humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with eachother and forgive as the Lord forgave you..." Colossians 3:12   

The push I needed.

It was a rather quiet day, or so I thought, until I entered the grocery store which was crawling with people. I made my way around the store collecting the many things I often take for granted , fresh produce, freshly baked bread, packaged meat , boxed crackers, eggs, milk.. and the list goes on. As i finished up and made myself through the maze of aisles and fellow cart pushers I arrived , safely, to the check out line. Today I qualified for the "express checkout " you know the '8 items only ' line . WHAT A TREAT! or so I told myself. As I approached the elderly cashier she mumbled something I couldn't quite make out. I ignored it and said ,

"hello, pretty busy in hear today eh?"  she replied with an array of complaints and many mumbles and groans and some choice words that I probably wouldn't have liked had my children been there :) Surprised at her response I was rather stunned and didn't exactly know how to react. I was quiet the rest of the time, which if you know me is rather unusual . I made sure to tell her to enjoy the rest of her day and off i went exhausted from the awkward conversation.

A few days later I returned to the grocery store, gathered my things and made my way up to the very quiet check out. There were quite a few lines open and as i made my way to the first available one on the map I noticed the cashier was the same elderly woman I had had a few days before. I immediately came to a screeching halt , almost literally with some of the carts provided at the store ! I turned to find another cashier that would be a little more uplifting in spirit and a little more thankfulness to just be alive.

Than something unexpected happened, I felt almost a hand on my cart and shoulder directing me back to her direction. Something telling me,

 " Go take heart, be hospitable, and loving , treat as you wish to be treated"

I couldn't refuse! So I took a deep breath and was on my way to the torture zone, i mean the check out.
I was sure to show loving kindness and take interest in her and how her day was TRULY treating her.
Since then I continue to look for her every time I am in the store, I make it a point to go to her check out even if it is the longest line. Although over a short period of time I could never seem to catch her on the shift she was working, which i thought was rather odd but I didn't think too much of it, not enough to ask about her. Then finally we were able to cross paths just the other day.

I approached her with a smile on my face and this time was excited to be in her presence. I had noticed she had looked different , she had gotten a hair cut ! This is how the conversation went:

"Your hair looks very nice , you got it cut, and you look better than ever "

"oh you must not have seen me in a little while" she blushed.

"no you are right, i have been wondering where you have been, thought you may have quit on me "

"no no i didn't quit, i like my hair too, i had to do something to cover up my bald spots. "

"Bald spots? Well you can't even notice them , I don't even think you have a single one "

"Well I'm in chemo right, so it's starting to fall out and not look so nice. "

I was shocked..I felt like someone had hit me in the gut with a baseball bat! Here I was at a check out with a lady I had been so thoughtless of until God reached down straightened my perspective and threw me into an uncomfortable situation, and I am so thankful he did. Before I left I was sure to tell her that my family and I would keep her in our prayers and for the first time she stopped what she was doing , looked up to my face, and replied with a smile ,

"thank you, I am going to need it."

Someday you may need a kind stranger friend, so please be that friend to someone else. It is so important and so very much appreciated not only by the person but by God as well for he commands us to be kind unto the broken hearted and you just never know who's heart is broken . This is not a wow look at me i'm so good blog, this is a look at how arrogant my thoughts had been, how my perspective had wondered and become careless and how i learned a very important lesson that i am hoping another can learn from. This is not hypocrocy , there is a strong difference betweeen hypocrocy and warning to others of self failures.

make a code..change a life.

As I sit in my living room in peace and quiet, I start to think of how different life has become for me in the last two years. What a dramatic change. From pounding headaches, hangovers, anger, pain struck eyes, frustration, lost-spirit, hurting heart, aching soul God has transformed me, transformed my heart into a loving heart, a caring heart, a soft heart.
I have a code, my code has always been the same word wise, but hasn't been the same strength wise.

"Be kinder than necessary."

Being kind is not a difficult thing to do, infact you can change someones life by holding a door, asking (with meaning) how there day is going, by saying thank you, by saying oops i'm sorry why don't you go first, by saying excuse me, by saying here you only have a few things why don't you go on ahead of me, by buying someones coffee behind you . Anyone of these little things go A LONG way. And what does it cost you.. not a thing. In fact it makes your wholoe day a different setting, a different level, a different atmosphere. It makes you want to do more, say more, achieve more.

You see I have always been a kind person first and if kindess wasn't shown back my mood and body language changed FAST. but ever since I have given up my own control and given my life back to God "kind" has had a completley different meaning. I can actually see kindness change a person right infront of my eyes. 

For instance:

It was the week before Christmas and I found myself in the Second Cup line in the middle of a very busy, tense shopping mall. The lady behind the counter was very straight faced, short mannered, and cold. She hardly said hello she didn't break a smile and she was hardly making eye contact. The old me; would have thought i had done my "kind' part by saying hello and ordering in a polite tone and now it was time to just also be short, still in a not so mean tone. but I opted not to react that way.

Instead I insisted in getting her eye contact, i didn't break contact not for a second , I wanted to be SURE to grab her attention. Finally her gaze caught mine and I simply said " it sure is busy in here and I'm sure you can't wait to get home to your family. Thanks alot." .. she smirked and answered "you bet." .. so I continued with short blurbs asking things like, are you ready for Christmas? It's not as cold as usual ? Hope you have all your gifts for family bought.. etc. By the end of her getting our coffees ready she was actually LAUGHING and SHARING WORDS with me.. she had the biggest smile i have seen on someone in a long time. She was sure to wish us a merry christmas and tell us to have a good night. The transformation was worth the extra breaths and thinking it took me to ask a few simple questions... to actually genuinely CARE through kindness.

I often like to buy the persons coffee behind me in the coffee line as well. I like to get away quickly so they can't catch up to me or see where i drove off to. One guy even drove out of his way to pull up beside me and mouth "thank you" . and what did it cost me.. not much. But i bet if it didn't create a chain reaction, it sure created a smile on his face for a moment, an hour, maybe even the day.

You see everyone deserves kindness, EVERYONE even those soldiers that nailed Jesus to the cross, or that bum on the street who once had an office job but in this economy has no other choice but to beg for money because no one would take him for an interview because he hasn't had a shower in 3 months,  the murderer in his cell who regrets fully what he has done and has sat alone and freightened for 25 years, the nosey neighbor who doesn't know another way of showing someone she cares , the teenager that can't count change correctly behind the counter because he has so many things at school on his mind , the child that bumped into you into the mall who was frantically looking for her mom or dad, the lady that cut you off today who is a single mom caring for her 3 little ones and juggling 2 full time jobs, the man who tails your car because his mind is preoccupied with his wifes funeral plans. These are all very real situations, and these people deserve kindness. We don't know there situation, there feelings, there burdens, there fears, the sacrifices they have made, the situations they are about to endure. But we do all know they are real people, with real feelings, real needs, and desires, dreams, and we can give them kindness. We can share what we have with them, we can give them hope for the day, or the year. We can make a difference, a little action, a dollar, a hello, a goodbye, a thank you, anything. I urge you to place yourself, your own feelings, stubborn behavior on the back burning for just a day, and watch it impact your heart, your spirit, and soul. Test yourself, test your sincerety, your heart. Be kinder than necessary today and post tomorrow what experiences you had, I would love to read them. ..

Maybe tomorrow you will make your own code, or maybe you want to stick with this one, but whatever you do, make a difference, for good, for better.

peace&love.mercy&grace

i will not be shaken...

Our Christmas tree is up and running. This year the lights are different, the bulbs are bigger, the decorations are more meanigful then ever, and i find the pine needles to smell ever so wonderful. As I stand at my kitchen sink I can see the tree in the living room , standing so tall and proud . It's a wonderful view. Better than the view I was getting about a year and a bit ago.

My husband was very confused as he found me angrily searching through my kitchen pantry pulling out bottle after bottle of all different kinds of liquor. I could feel his eyes on me , watching my every move as i piled the bottles beside the kitchen sink. One by one I poured each bottle down the drain , one, two, three ... and on and on. I was distraught , something had come over me that night, something powerful , something magnificent, life changing, mood altering, attitude tweaking, it was grace, amazing grace.

I stood bent over at my kitchen sink, the same sink i wash my hands clean in, and hear I was FINALLY washing my soul , one bottle at a time i was prying the devils hands off of me. The grip he had on me was powerful, tight, and started to consume my life. I could hardly gather my thoughts, so many things running through my mind as i stood sobbing, hardly able to catch my own breathe. I was thinking of our marriage and what we had been through in the past year, a new baby boy , a new life together, and all the truths that had finally surfaced. The truths were the hardest part of that year...

 My husband realized what was happening, and without a word he stood behind me, gently he placed his right hand on my back, and past me a bottle with his left . He didn't have anywords, but he didn't need any, and neither did I. There was enough noise in the house that night, and the noise could not be ignored. It was Jesus and he was knocking on my door , loud and clear.

For the first time in many years I was ready to be honest, honest with myself, honest with my family, honest with friends, and now honest with all the people in the world that read this blog... most importantly I was ready to be honest with my God who above all else knows my every mistake, my ever move, my every breath.. and the best part, he loves me completley, despite my mistakes, my moves, my breaths.

it was honesty that shook my marriage for the worst, and now honesty was shaking my soul for the better.

and now....I am honestly breathing.
again and again I will sing.... Amazing Grace
my decorations aren't the only difference in my life this Christmas.

^" Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me. " Revelations 3:20

Lest we forget...Amazing Grace

Today I awoke to the thought of my Grandpa, a man of many accomplishments one wich was having the pleasure of serving his country, wich in return allows me to serve my God in this beautiful country we live in. He has gone home to be with Jesus now, and I pray he is enjoying his walk through rows of poppys on this beautiful rememberence day. At his funeral a few months ago, people shared many things about his life. As they did at my Grandma's funeral just a few years ago...oh yes Grandma..come with me won't you.

I found myself alone with Grandma, she had just had a heart attack and we were advised that we should say our goodbyes to her.  Although it was warm in that little room, Grandmas hands were fairly cold. I remember holding onto her hand and humming amazing grace to her over and over. She liked that, she couldn't talk to me, but I knew she liked that, her baby grandaughter who was so lost had found it in her heart to sit by her and hum the only hymn she could think of. I couldn't bring myself to leave Grandma, I knew I had let her down, she would never tell me that, but I knew I had let her down.  I was so selfish to want to hold onto her, here I am trying to keep her here, meanwhile she lay in her hospital bed waiting for us to leave so she could return home to Jesus. Grandma waited her whole life for that day, and I selfishly dreaded it my whole life. As I sat with her my life played over and over in my head, my memories of Grandma and me, our trips to her and Grandpas house. She loved us so. The only way I could show Grandma how much i really loved her was to sit with her and hum and hum and hum, amazing grace, how sweet the sound.

Little did I know that amazing grace would become the story of my life.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.
The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
and mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
a life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,  
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

  I wanted so badly to hold on, hold onto Grandma, hold on to life as I knew it, hold on to my addiction, hold on to my hurting behavior,  but God had a different plan, I wasn't dead and he wasn't finished with me yet.

One set of footprints..

Today I spent the morning raking up all of the leaves in my yard. You know it is amazing how many leaves there really are on just one tree. You never stop to think about it until of course, you are the one that has to pick every last one of them up off the ground.  I also had my windows washed this morning by a man named Steven, a very nice man who had to pick up my slack of not washing them for quite some time, and now they are so clean I can truly see the beauty that surrounds my house.

How I wish my mornings had always begun that way, someone there to pick up my slack from the days before, someone to wipe me clean so I could start over and see clearly. Instead my mornings usually consisted of a shower to try and sober my thoughts a little.A good long look in the mirror at myself.(when I could finally focus enough to see straight) What a pathetic sight for an 18 year old. Then i would pack up my back pack which really only carried whiskey and cigarettes, and it was off to work I go.

 I had spent the night before at my favourite local pub 'The Duke' . I loved it there, I spent pretty near all of my time there whenever I wasn't working. I am not sure what i loved most about it, the fact that no one ever put me down, the fact that I felt protected there, and wanted. I emotionally felt fed by the people that surrounded me. I met alot of interesting people there, and alot of them touched my life in different ways. The atmosphere brought a temporary state of relief to me, I had found friendship. What I hadn't realized was that I had found friendship for all of the wrong reasons, found friendship with all of the wrong people, at all of the wrong times.

People loved me because I was obnoxious, because I could drink more beers than a full grown man (most of the time) and because I was liek the energizer bunny, I could keep going and going and going. I never stopped. Literally I slept for 3 maybe 4 hours a night. I often walked home from the bar which was about a 20 minute drive from my house. It would take me hours to get through downtown Waterloo, and downtown Kitchener and thorugh multiple different neighborhoods. I saw many things on my long journeys home. I often  thought about all of the things my life had amounted to be, wich wasn't much. I would often relive lots of my memories of my highschool nights and wonder maybe if I could just step of the crub and be gone then I could stop everything. I would often think. "My God why have you left me behind..why is it that I must walk this lonely road drunk and alone, I grew up knowing you , why why have you left me at such a time as this?"

It is now, when i return to those neighborhoods and downtown areas that I look back and can know.. .

."when there was only one set of footprints...it was then that I carried you. " 

But my friends, that is only now that I can look back. I was still putting up a struggle , I was not going to be carried, in fact, I was sure that those footprints were mine and mine alone, I was certain I was carrying myself.

To help you better udnerstand this is my favourite childhood poem and promise;

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

It is recently that God has cleaned my windows for me, he has given me a fresh start, he has given me hope and a future, and he has a plan for me. He has gathered all of the broken , fallen, pieces of my shattered heart and has  sewn them back together with love. He has made a path for me of grace, and his path is never ending. 

My dear friends who have been reading this, I know it is taking eternity for me to just get the story out. But I have chosen to let God lead the path for wich I will write. He is using me, for his will, his good , pleasing and perfect will. I pray through this you might also find his will for you.