Doused and Dying...

Well the tree at the back of my house, you know the slacker,  has finally turned golden orange, and the leaves have started to float to the ground. Some of the leaves are already beginning to die before they even fall from the tree.

Takes me back to the first day of highschool when I too started to die before I hit the ground.

There I stood in the front foyer of my school, it was crawling with people. I had just entered through the glass double doors and I seemed to have left something on the otherside. Little did I know that entering highschool with this type of attitude would lead me down the darkest path I could ever imagine. Most of my days in school were spent making trouble for my teachers, preotecting my fellow students, and making sure everyone knew that no one would ever walk on me like I was not important. While I may have very well accomplished that inside the school walls, I failed miserably outside.

The person I spent most of my highschool days with literally made me feel like I was being walked on constantly, a doormat if you will.  I could never wrap my mind around the concept that I had amounted to little in my life and that someone else was controlling my feelings, actions, and sometimes even words.

Day by day I was dying, just a little more each day , I literally felt like I would just one day die. I had so badly abused my body. My spirit was crushed, my heart snapped like a twig, my soul so far manipulated I didn't even know where I came from nor where I was headed. Looking back I can tell you right where I was headed. I was headed to a box , oh about 5 ft by 2 ft I would say. You know the box I am talking about, the one where my family and friends would stand around staring down at me sharing the things they loved most about me and what they would miss most in the future without me.

My family would have lots to say I am sure, kind things, things from a distant past that they loved when I was a small child, my strong spirit, my laugh or smile. My friends on the other hand, wouldn't have much of worth to say. I imagine they would have these things to say;

"That Kinner, she had the mouth of a drunken sailor,"
"Like a drunken sailor? She was a drunken sailor, she loved the bottle ."
"Yeah she sure could drink like a fish."
"..and smoke like a chimney."
"She was alot of fun, we sure will miss partyin with you."

Nice eh? It's true, t's true. I spent the majority of my highschool days drinking, smoking, and partying. I was tryin to make a relationship work that was more of a dictatorship. He was always telling me where to go, what to do, how to do it, I could never do what I wanted without having consequences for my action. And so I learned to forgive him and to do what I was told. The easiest way to live through was to party hard, and always make sure my soul was doused in alcohol... 

and this is only the account of dying BEFORE i hit the ground. I had many trials ahead of me, and it was years before I was able to abandon the one friend I 'really' had, he stood about 1 and a half feet tall and 4 inches wide, made of glass, and filled with whiskey and he masked my pain, at least I thought he did. What I hadn't realized was that I abandoned my truest friend of all on the other side of those highschool doors, his name was Jesus.  

..The following days are my account of how deep my sorrow became and how deep the fathers love for me was and is and will always be.

 As for the tree in my backyard, I do not fear for its leaves for I know next year they will return in splendor. 

I urge you friends to let go of your fears of the dying pieces of your soul. God will direct your falling spirit and bring you up out of your sorrow, for he loves you, and will bring you life. All you have to do is let him.

peace&love mercy&grace

..so let the rain fall

Today driving home I was in wonder, in wonder of whether or not those dark clouds above us were going to finally let me and my car have it. It hadn't started to rain yet, but I knew those clouds couldn't hold back much longer. When I looked to my left, across a farmers field I was in awe. Awe that among all of this darkness there were these beautiful, white, shiny clouds, floating like nothing could stop them. It was then that my husband stated,

"hunny, it is almost as though there is a distinct line right down the centre of the dark clouds and the light ones. huh"

And that's when i started to think back,
Growing up in a Christian home I knew Jesus loved me, and so did my family. I was home schooled for the first 5 grades of my life until we moved to "the big city". My parents thought it would be a good time to send me to public school. So there I was, a 9 year old girl standing no taller than 4 ft , with no friends, absolutely thrilled to be going to public school for the first time. When the national anthem came on and I was the only one not standing, that was it, the moment I knew I definitely wasn't prepared for this.

A few years later Jr high came around, and for some reason this particular memory stands out in my mind like a sore throat!

It was freezing cold, and there I stood outside the city movie theatre. I was alone and no older than 13. Of course I didn't come alone, I came with two girlfriends who were now inside watching a movie I knew FOR SURE my mother would not approve of. I had decided to stick to my guns on this one, I was NOT watching that movie no matter what, because MY MOTHER said.  I remember feeling like she would be so proud of me for making that decision, the funny thing is, I am now 21 years old, and I have still never told her. And I should have because that was one decision I actually made that she would be proud of me for.  

Although the rest of my Jr High days were filled with phone calls from the office to my home, suspensions, and outbursts against teachers, I was still a loving person, just not to everyone. It wasn't Jr High that scares me when I think back to it. It is high school. That is when it all began..I still knew Jesus loved me, but for some reason i stepped out of the sunshine and clouds, and into the storm. And a strong storm it was, and it took me years to see the sun, it was always there I was just too hung over to see it.

..the rest is for tomorrow

i shall leave you with this insight of my past as a Jr Higher;
 I knew that the line was very distinct, but it only took one moment for me to drive across that line right into the storm . I had many friends but I had abandoned the one friend that loved me for who I was, no matter where I was. Jesus. And I was very much alone from that day forward.

I am glad I know exactly where I stand now. Even when the rain falls, because eventually, the rain will fall, it always does no matter who you are, or where you are, there will be storms. I will choose to stand in the sunshine. 

peace&love mercy&grace

The seasons of my life..

The fall has begun and I am surrounded by golden dusted leaves and some slacking greenish yellow ones that seem to have fallen behind a little bit.
This is precisely how I feel sometimes. I too slack, I know I want to be gold and beautiful, but I am still so green. I feel so imperfect, so ill-equipped for my next season in life. One thing I know is I have passion, and God is not looking for a perfect me, he is looking for a passionate me. He is looking for a me who is ready to fully rely on him and not on my own understanding. I can only get to the next season of life if I trust and rely on God, it is then that he will shower me with gold and I will finally fall before him, like a leaf from a tree, and accept the season ahead. Whether I like the cold or not, the cold is coming, and the only way to survive is to allow him to take me in his arms like a father does and prepare me for what is to come.

Now, I do not claim perfection, for no one is perfect. However I do claim passion! Passion for a creator who is faithful, compassionate, gracious, merciful, and just. A creator who loved me enough to send his only son to be nailed to a cross and to die for me. A creator who has called me to share my lifes journey . I must warn you, I am going to be honest, it is a journey of arrogance, self-centredness, coldness, trial, troubles, pain, and sorrow, a journey in the darkness with no light for my path, no director.

 I assure you that with each cold and dreary season in my past comes a clear insight as to how my future seasons became clearer. And although my seasons, like yours,  have clouds, the sun will always shine on.  Although I have lived a short life, I have gained mass amounts of knowledge, that I must share.

I have found the director of my life, and I hope you will join me in the days to come, as I rewrite the story of my past and how I came to know him, trust him, and love him with all my heart.

peace&love mercy&grace