Lest we forget...Amazing Grace

Today I awoke to the thought of my Grandpa, a man of many accomplishments one wich was having the pleasure of serving his country, wich in return allows me to serve my God in this beautiful country we live in. He has gone home to be with Jesus now, and I pray he is enjoying his walk through rows of poppys on this beautiful rememberence day. At his funeral a few months ago, people shared many things about his life. As they did at my Grandma's funeral just a few years ago...oh yes Grandma..come with me won't you.

I found myself alone with Grandma, she had just had a heart attack and we were advised that we should say our goodbyes to her.  Although it was warm in that little room, Grandmas hands were fairly cold. I remember holding onto her hand and humming amazing grace to her over and over. She liked that, she couldn't talk to me, but I knew she liked that, her baby grandaughter who was so lost had found it in her heart to sit by her and hum the only hymn she could think of. I couldn't bring myself to leave Grandma, I knew I had let her down, she would never tell me that, but I knew I had let her down.  I was so selfish to want to hold onto her, here I am trying to keep her here, meanwhile she lay in her hospital bed waiting for us to leave so she could return home to Jesus. Grandma waited her whole life for that day, and I selfishly dreaded it my whole life. As I sat with her my life played over and over in my head, my memories of Grandma and me, our trips to her and Grandpas house. She loved us so. The only way I could show Grandma how much i really loved her was to sit with her and hum and hum and hum, amazing grace, how sweet the sound.

Little did I know that amazing grace would become the story of my life.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.
The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
and mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
a life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,  
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

  I wanted so badly to hold on, hold onto Grandma, hold on to life as I knew it, hold on to my addiction, hold on to my hurting behavior,  but God had a different plan, I wasn't dead and he wasn't finished with me yet.

One set of footprints..

Today I spent the morning raking up all of the leaves in my yard. You know it is amazing how many leaves there really are on just one tree. You never stop to think about it until of course, you are the one that has to pick every last one of them up off the ground.  I also had my windows washed this morning by a man named Steven, a very nice man who had to pick up my slack of not washing them for quite some time, and now they are so clean I can truly see the beauty that surrounds my house.

How I wish my mornings had always begun that way, someone there to pick up my slack from the days before, someone to wipe me clean so I could start over and see clearly. Instead my mornings usually consisted of a shower to try and sober my thoughts a little.A good long look in the mirror at myself.(when I could finally focus enough to see straight) What a pathetic sight for an 18 year old. Then i would pack up my back pack which really only carried whiskey and cigarettes, and it was off to work I go.

 I had spent the night before at my favourite local pub 'The Duke' . I loved it there, I spent pretty near all of my time there whenever I wasn't working. I am not sure what i loved most about it, the fact that no one ever put me down, the fact that I felt protected there, and wanted. I emotionally felt fed by the people that surrounded me. I met alot of interesting people there, and alot of them touched my life in different ways. The atmosphere brought a temporary state of relief to me, I had found friendship. What I hadn't realized was that I had found friendship for all of the wrong reasons, found friendship with all of the wrong people, at all of the wrong times.

People loved me because I was obnoxious, because I could drink more beers than a full grown man (most of the time) and because I was liek the energizer bunny, I could keep going and going and going. I never stopped. Literally I slept for 3 maybe 4 hours a night. I often walked home from the bar which was about a 20 minute drive from my house. It would take me hours to get through downtown Waterloo, and downtown Kitchener and thorugh multiple different neighborhoods. I saw many things on my long journeys home. I often  thought about all of the things my life had amounted to be, wich wasn't much. I would often relive lots of my memories of my highschool nights and wonder maybe if I could just step of the crub and be gone then I could stop everything. I would often think. "My God why have you left me behind..why is it that I must walk this lonely road drunk and alone, I grew up knowing you , why why have you left me at such a time as this?"

It is now, when i return to those neighborhoods and downtown areas that I look back and can know.. .

."when there was only one set of footprints...it was then that I carried you. " 

But my friends, that is only now that I can look back. I was still putting up a struggle , I was not going to be carried, in fact, I was sure that those footprints were mine and mine alone, I was certain I was carrying myself.

To help you better udnerstand this is my favourite childhood poem and promise;

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

It is recently that God has cleaned my windows for me, he has given me a fresh start, he has given me hope and a future, and he has a plan for me. He has gathered all of the broken , fallen, pieces of my shattered heart and has  sewn them back together with love. He has made a path for me of grace, and his path is never ending. 

My dear friends who have been reading this, I know it is taking eternity for me to just get the story out. But I have chosen to let God lead the path for wich I will write. He is using me, for his will, his good , pleasing and perfect will. I pray through this you might also find his will for you.