i will not be shaken...

Our Christmas tree is up and running. This year the lights are different, the bulbs are bigger, the decorations are more meanigful then ever, and i find the pine needles to smell ever so wonderful. As I stand at my kitchen sink I can see the tree in the living room , standing so tall and proud . It's a wonderful view. Better than the view I was getting about a year and a bit ago.

My husband was very confused as he found me angrily searching through my kitchen pantry pulling out bottle after bottle of all different kinds of liquor. I could feel his eyes on me , watching my every move as i piled the bottles beside the kitchen sink. One by one I poured each bottle down the drain , one, two, three ... and on and on. I was distraught , something had come over me that night, something powerful , something magnificent, life changing, mood altering, attitude tweaking, it was grace, amazing grace.

I stood bent over at my kitchen sink, the same sink i wash my hands clean in, and hear I was FINALLY washing my soul , one bottle at a time i was prying the devils hands off of me. The grip he had on me was powerful, tight, and started to consume my life. I could hardly gather my thoughts, so many things running through my mind as i stood sobbing, hardly able to catch my own breathe. I was thinking of our marriage and what we had been through in the past year, a new baby boy , a new life together, and all the truths that had finally surfaced. The truths were the hardest part of that year...

 My husband realized what was happening, and without a word he stood behind me, gently he placed his right hand on my back, and past me a bottle with his left . He didn't have anywords, but he didn't need any, and neither did I. There was enough noise in the house that night, and the noise could not be ignored. It was Jesus and he was knocking on my door , loud and clear.

For the first time in many years I was ready to be honest, honest with myself, honest with my family, honest with friends, and now honest with all the people in the world that read this blog... most importantly I was ready to be honest with my God who above all else knows my every mistake, my ever move, my every breath.. and the best part, he loves me completley, despite my mistakes, my moves, my breaths.

it was honesty that shook my marriage for the worst, and now honesty was shaking my soul for the better.

and now....I am honestly breathing.
again and again I will sing.... Amazing Grace
my decorations aren't the only difference in my life this Christmas.

^" Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me. " Revelations 3:20

Lest we forget...Amazing Grace

Today I awoke to the thought of my Grandpa, a man of many accomplishments one wich was having the pleasure of serving his country, wich in return allows me to serve my God in this beautiful country we live in. He has gone home to be with Jesus now, and I pray he is enjoying his walk through rows of poppys on this beautiful rememberence day. At his funeral a few months ago, people shared many things about his life. As they did at my Grandma's funeral just a few years ago...oh yes Grandma..come with me won't you.

I found myself alone with Grandma, she had just had a heart attack and we were advised that we should say our goodbyes to her.  Although it was warm in that little room, Grandmas hands were fairly cold. I remember holding onto her hand and humming amazing grace to her over and over. She liked that, she couldn't talk to me, but I knew she liked that, her baby grandaughter who was so lost had found it in her heart to sit by her and hum the only hymn she could think of. I couldn't bring myself to leave Grandma, I knew I had let her down, she would never tell me that, but I knew I had let her down.  I was so selfish to want to hold onto her, here I am trying to keep her here, meanwhile she lay in her hospital bed waiting for us to leave so she could return home to Jesus. Grandma waited her whole life for that day, and I selfishly dreaded it my whole life. As I sat with her my life played over and over in my head, my memories of Grandma and me, our trips to her and Grandpas house. She loved us so. The only way I could show Grandma how much i really loved her was to sit with her and hum and hum and hum, amazing grace, how sweet the sound.

Little did I know that amazing grace would become the story of my life.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.
The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
and mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
a life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,  
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

  I wanted so badly to hold on, hold onto Grandma, hold on to life as I knew it, hold on to my addiction, hold on to my hurting behavior,  but God had a different plan, I wasn't dead and he wasn't finished with me yet.

One set of footprints..

Today I spent the morning raking up all of the leaves in my yard. You know it is amazing how many leaves there really are on just one tree. You never stop to think about it until of course, you are the one that has to pick every last one of them up off the ground.  I also had my windows washed this morning by a man named Steven, a very nice man who had to pick up my slack of not washing them for quite some time, and now they are so clean I can truly see the beauty that surrounds my house.

How I wish my mornings had always begun that way, someone there to pick up my slack from the days before, someone to wipe me clean so I could start over and see clearly. Instead my mornings usually consisted of a shower to try and sober my thoughts a little.A good long look in the mirror at myself.(when I could finally focus enough to see straight) What a pathetic sight for an 18 year old. Then i would pack up my back pack which really only carried whiskey and cigarettes, and it was off to work I go.

 I had spent the night before at my favourite local pub 'The Duke' . I loved it there, I spent pretty near all of my time there whenever I wasn't working. I am not sure what i loved most about it, the fact that no one ever put me down, the fact that I felt protected there, and wanted. I emotionally felt fed by the people that surrounded me. I met alot of interesting people there, and alot of them touched my life in different ways. The atmosphere brought a temporary state of relief to me, I had found friendship. What I hadn't realized was that I had found friendship for all of the wrong reasons, found friendship with all of the wrong people, at all of the wrong times.

People loved me because I was obnoxious, because I could drink more beers than a full grown man (most of the time) and because I was liek the energizer bunny, I could keep going and going and going. I never stopped. Literally I slept for 3 maybe 4 hours a night. I often walked home from the bar which was about a 20 minute drive from my house. It would take me hours to get through downtown Waterloo, and downtown Kitchener and thorugh multiple different neighborhoods. I saw many things on my long journeys home. I often  thought about all of the things my life had amounted to be, wich wasn't much. I would often relive lots of my memories of my highschool nights and wonder maybe if I could just step of the crub and be gone then I could stop everything. I would often think. "My God why have you left me behind..why is it that I must walk this lonely road drunk and alone, I grew up knowing you , why why have you left me at such a time as this?"

It is now, when i return to those neighborhoods and downtown areas that I look back and can know.. .

."when there was only one set of footprints...it was then that I carried you. " 

But my friends, that is only now that I can look back. I was still putting up a struggle , I was not going to be carried, in fact, I was sure that those footprints were mine and mine alone, I was certain I was carrying myself.

To help you better udnerstand this is my favourite childhood poem and promise;

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

It is recently that God has cleaned my windows for me, he has given me a fresh start, he has given me hope and a future, and he has a plan for me. He has gathered all of the broken , fallen, pieces of my shattered heart and has  sewn them back together with love. He has made a path for me of grace, and his path is never ending. 

My dear friends who have been reading this, I know it is taking eternity for me to just get the story out. But I have chosen to let God lead the path for wich I will write. He is using me, for his will, his good , pleasing and perfect will. I pray through this you might also find his will for you.

Doused and Dying...

Well the tree at the back of my house, you know the slacker,  has finally turned golden orange, and the leaves have started to float to the ground. Some of the leaves are already beginning to die before they even fall from the tree.

Takes me back to the first day of highschool when I too started to die before I hit the ground.

There I stood in the front foyer of my school, it was crawling with people. I had just entered through the glass double doors and I seemed to have left something on the otherside. Little did I know that entering highschool with this type of attitude would lead me down the darkest path I could ever imagine. Most of my days in school were spent making trouble for my teachers, preotecting my fellow students, and making sure everyone knew that no one would ever walk on me like I was not important. While I may have very well accomplished that inside the school walls, I failed miserably outside.

The person I spent most of my highschool days with literally made me feel like I was being walked on constantly, a doormat if you will.  I could never wrap my mind around the concept that I had amounted to little in my life and that someone else was controlling my feelings, actions, and sometimes even words.

Day by day I was dying, just a little more each day , I literally felt like I would just one day die. I had so badly abused my body. My spirit was crushed, my heart snapped like a twig, my soul so far manipulated I didn't even know where I came from nor where I was headed. Looking back I can tell you right where I was headed. I was headed to a box , oh about 5 ft by 2 ft I would say. You know the box I am talking about, the one where my family and friends would stand around staring down at me sharing the things they loved most about me and what they would miss most in the future without me.

My family would have lots to say I am sure, kind things, things from a distant past that they loved when I was a small child, my strong spirit, my laugh or smile. My friends on the other hand, wouldn't have much of worth to say. I imagine they would have these things to say;

"That Kinner, she had the mouth of a drunken sailor,"
"Like a drunken sailor? She was a drunken sailor, she loved the bottle ."
"Yeah she sure could drink like a fish."
"..and smoke like a chimney."
"She was alot of fun, we sure will miss partyin with you."

Nice eh? It's true, t's true. I spent the majority of my highschool days drinking, smoking, and partying. I was tryin to make a relationship work that was more of a dictatorship. He was always telling me where to go, what to do, how to do it, I could never do what I wanted without having consequences for my action. And so I learned to forgive him and to do what I was told. The easiest way to live through was to party hard, and always make sure my soul was doused in alcohol... 

and this is only the account of dying BEFORE i hit the ground. I had many trials ahead of me, and it was years before I was able to abandon the one friend I 'really' had, he stood about 1 and a half feet tall and 4 inches wide, made of glass, and filled with whiskey and he masked my pain, at least I thought he did. What I hadn't realized was that I abandoned my truest friend of all on the other side of those highschool doors, his name was Jesus.  

..The following days are my account of how deep my sorrow became and how deep the fathers love for me was and is and will always be.

 As for the tree in my backyard, I do not fear for its leaves for I know next year they will return in splendor. 

I urge you friends to let go of your fears of the dying pieces of your soul. God will direct your falling spirit and bring you up out of your sorrow, for he loves you, and will bring you life. All you have to do is let him.

peace&love mercy&grace

..so let the rain fall

Today driving home I was in wonder, in wonder of whether or not those dark clouds above us were going to finally let me and my car have it. It hadn't started to rain yet, but I knew those clouds couldn't hold back much longer. When I looked to my left, across a farmers field I was in awe. Awe that among all of this darkness there were these beautiful, white, shiny clouds, floating like nothing could stop them. It was then that my husband stated,

"hunny, it is almost as though there is a distinct line right down the centre of the dark clouds and the light ones. huh"

And that's when i started to think back,
Growing up in a Christian home I knew Jesus loved me, and so did my family. I was home schooled for the first 5 grades of my life until we moved to "the big city". My parents thought it would be a good time to send me to public school. So there I was, a 9 year old girl standing no taller than 4 ft , with no friends, absolutely thrilled to be going to public school for the first time. When the national anthem came on and I was the only one not standing, that was it, the moment I knew I definitely wasn't prepared for this.

A few years later Jr high came around, and for some reason this particular memory stands out in my mind like a sore throat!

It was freezing cold, and there I stood outside the city movie theatre. I was alone and no older than 13. Of course I didn't come alone, I came with two girlfriends who were now inside watching a movie I knew FOR SURE my mother would not approve of. I had decided to stick to my guns on this one, I was NOT watching that movie no matter what, because MY MOTHER said.  I remember feeling like she would be so proud of me for making that decision, the funny thing is, I am now 21 years old, and I have still never told her. And I should have because that was one decision I actually made that she would be proud of me for.  

Although the rest of my Jr High days were filled with phone calls from the office to my home, suspensions, and outbursts against teachers, I was still a loving person, just not to everyone. It wasn't Jr High that scares me when I think back to it. It is high school. That is when it all began..I still knew Jesus loved me, but for some reason i stepped out of the sunshine and clouds, and into the storm. And a strong storm it was, and it took me years to see the sun, it was always there I was just too hung over to see it.

..the rest is for tomorrow

i shall leave you with this insight of my past as a Jr Higher;
 I knew that the line was very distinct, but it only took one moment for me to drive across that line right into the storm . I had many friends but I had abandoned the one friend that loved me for who I was, no matter where I was. Jesus. And I was very much alone from that day forward.

I am glad I know exactly where I stand now. Even when the rain falls, because eventually, the rain will fall, it always does no matter who you are, or where you are, there will be storms. I will choose to stand in the sunshine. 

peace&love mercy&grace

The seasons of my life..

The fall has begun and I am surrounded by golden dusted leaves and some slacking greenish yellow ones that seem to have fallen behind a little bit.
This is precisely how I feel sometimes. I too slack, I know I want to be gold and beautiful, but I am still so green. I feel so imperfect, so ill-equipped for my next season in life. One thing I know is I have passion, and God is not looking for a perfect me, he is looking for a passionate me. He is looking for a me who is ready to fully rely on him and not on my own understanding. I can only get to the next season of life if I trust and rely on God, it is then that he will shower me with gold and I will finally fall before him, like a leaf from a tree, and accept the season ahead. Whether I like the cold or not, the cold is coming, and the only way to survive is to allow him to take me in his arms like a father does and prepare me for what is to come.

Now, I do not claim perfection, for no one is perfect. However I do claim passion! Passion for a creator who is faithful, compassionate, gracious, merciful, and just. A creator who loved me enough to send his only son to be nailed to a cross and to die for me. A creator who has called me to share my lifes journey . I must warn you, I am going to be honest, it is a journey of arrogance, self-centredness, coldness, trial, troubles, pain, and sorrow, a journey in the darkness with no light for my path, no director.

 I assure you that with each cold and dreary season in my past comes a clear insight as to how my future seasons became clearer. And although my seasons, like yours,  have clouds, the sun will always shine on.  Although I have lived a short life, I have gained mass amounts of knowledge, that I must share.

I have found the director of my life, and I hope you will join me in the days to come, as I rewrite the story of my past and how I came to know him, trust him, and love him with all my heart.

peace&love mercy&grace