Doused and Dying...

Well the tree at the back of my house, you know the slacker,  has finally turned golden orange, and the leaves have started to float to the ground. Some of the leaves are already beginning to die before they even fall from the tree.

Takes me back to the first day of highschool when I too started to die before I hit the ground.

There I stood in the front foyer of my school, it was crawling with people. I had just entered through the glass double doors and I seemed to have left something on the otherside. Little did I know that entering highschool with this type of attitude would lead me down the darkest path I could ever imagine. Most of my days in school were spent making trouble for my teachers, preotecting my fellow students, and making sure everyone knew that no one would ever walk on me like I was not important. While I may have very well accomplished that inside the school walls, I failed miserably outside.

The person I spent most of my highschool days with literally made me feel like I was being walked on constantly, a doormat if you will.  I could never wrap my mind around the concept that I had amounted to little in my life and that someone else was controlling my feelings, actions, and sometimes even words.

Day by day I was dying, just a little more each day , I literally felt like I would just one day die. I had so badly abused my body. My spirit was crushed, my heart snapped like a twig, my soul so far manipulated I didn't even know where I came from nor where I was headed. Looking back I can tell you right where I was headed. I was headed to a box , oh about 5 ft by 2 ft I would say. You know the box I am talking about, the one where my family and friends would stand around staring down at me sharing the things they loved most about me and what they would miss most in the future without me.

My family would have lots to say I am sure, kind things, things from a distant past that they loved when I was a small child, my strong spirit, my laugh or smile. My friends on the other hand, wouldn't have much of worth to say. I imagine they would have these things to say;

"That Kinner, she had the mouth of a drunken sailor,"
"Like a drunken sailor? She was a drunken sailor, she loved the bottle ."
"Yeah she sure could drink like a fish."
"..and smoke like a chimney."
"She was alot of fun, we sure will miss partyin with you."

Nice eh? It's true, t's true. I spent the majority of my highschool days drinking, smoking, and partying. I was tryin to make a relationship work that was more of a dictatorship. He was always telling me where to go, what to do, how to do it, I could never do what I wanted without having consequences for my action. And so I learned to forgive him and to do what I was told. The easiest way to live through was to party hard, and always make sure my soul was doused in alcohol... 

and this is only the account of dying BEFORE i hit the ground. I had many trials ahead of me, and it was years before I was able to abandon the one friend I 'really' had, he stood about 1 and a half feet tall and 4 inches wide, made of glass, and filled with whiskey and he masked my pain, at least I thought he did. What I hadn't realized was that I abandoned my truest friend of all on the other side of those highschool doors, his name was Jesus.  

..The following days are my account of how deep my sorrow became and how deep the fathers love for me was and is and will always be.

 As for the tree in my backyard, I do not fear for its leaves for I know next year they will return in splendor. 

I urge you friends to let go of your fears of the dying pieces of your soul. God will direct your falling spirit and bring you up out of your sorrow, for he loves you, and will bring you life. All you have to do is let him.

peace&love mercy&grace